By Guest blogger Lori Sobeski who shares the story of her miscarriage…
The Way of the Cross
Our road to Calvary may be different but, lest we not be fooled, know it will be tough for us all.
In prayer God revealed to me that my road to Calvary would lead me to redemption. My road would lead me to God’s redeeming love and mercy. My road would lead me to Jesus on the cross waiting to share my pain. My road would lead me to Mary where she would be waiting for me to hold me as she held her Son. She would wrap her mothering arms around me & hold me, as she knows the pain of losing a child.
My rocky road is filled with lots of holes and stones that would tear at my feet and would feel almost too much to bear. My road to Calvary would require me to carry a cross, but one that I have not had to carry alone — I do not feel worthy of the love & prayers we have received.
Matthew 11:30: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
My burden did not lighten until I realized that I had so many willing to help me carry it. So many friends who are willing to pray endlessly for the Sobeski clan.
I ask myself, “Why?” “Why did this happen when we just wanted another child? Why was this request so unreasonable?” “Why did this happen? What have I done?” I then see the outpouring of love & prayers. It is through tears I can see laughter & love & joy again. I ask myself again, “Why Lord? Why me?” I am not worthy of this love! I do not deserve to be loved so much that others would help me carry my cross on the road to Calvary.
His answer is simple, Yes. With our answer to life, with our yes to life, God says Yes to us! He says that we are worthy of his most merciful love.
I was overjoyed when we found out we were expecting another Sobeski. I said to many, “Seven is supposed to be the perfect number right?” The number seven stood out to me this past year while I was teaching ancient history. While I knew God was an orderly God, it just did not occur to me how much that was so. I was excited every time I discovered how perfectly God has woven his word & promise. When we learned about the newest Sobeski, I gasped to myself, “Wow, seven is the perfect number!”
The sickness started very early & I was overjoyed to have sickness. I wanted this to ease my mind that everything would be okay for this babe. I had suffered a miscarriage in the past, and I was glad to know everything was going well. But something pained my heart from the beginning, as I was fearful in the depths of my soul that I would never hold this sweet babe. It was a strange mixed-feeling. Some may chalk this anxiety up to pregnancy hormones, but I worried I had spoken of this babe too soon; I was joyful too soon. My children were overjoyed with the news.
As my belly began to swell & pregnancy symptoms carried on, my heart began to relax a bit — until I realized that I had not been sick for a few days. I told myself that I had exchanged it for an awful headache, that the sickness would return after & that God was being merciful on me. But I began to spot & panic. I called the doctor & to reassure my anxious heart, she offered for me to come in.
All would be fine and a little spotting would be okay. My husband met me at the doctor’s office. He too had a feeling that this may not turn out well. Our midwife tried to hide that she was concerned, and blamed it on faulty equipment & called in our OB. The OB Dr. walked in and confirmed that, yes indeed there was a babe, but there was no heartbeat. I turned away from the monitor & wept. I wanted this to be a bad dream & for this to be a mistake. How could this happen? This babe was due on Dec 8th, a special day devoted to Mary. How could this happen? I had been very sick, to the point where I was placed on medication to keep any food down. I was sick but somehow our sweet babe’s heart stopped beating.
I remember at my 8 week checkup I felt like a first time mom — I was giddy when I saw the heart beating so fast. It occurred to me that this sweet babe was fighting for his life with every heartbeat. This child would be a fighter, in true Sobeski form. A strong child that would bring such joy to the world.
I felt a deep sadness again for those women who feel they have no other choice in life but to abort. Do they not know what a gift this is? This was a life!
After we dried our tears, Mike & I said we needed time to pray about what we wanted to do. My prayer was for God to let me deliver this babe so that I could hold him and make sure his little life was dignified. I wanted to make sure that his body was treated the way it should be treated. I felt contractions over the weekend. We cancelled our plans to travel to the beach on Monday for our son Joseph’s birthday. We said we would stay close to home, just in case. I felt labor pains, the same way I felt them 8 years ago when I started labor with Joseph — little, then stronger, then constant.
The house was quiet, which is rare in the Sobeski house, but God answered my prayers. I was able to deliver our sweet babe at home. Through my tears I thanked God for blessing this babe with a peaceful delivery, in a home filled with love, in the place where he was created. I thanked God for this babe’s sweet life. He looked angelic. He had the head of a Sobeski. His hands looked like he was praying. I had not planned on a boy name yet, but all at once a name came to me & it was as if it was his name it all along. His name would be Benedict, which means Blessed. This sweet babe has blessed me more than I can express in words. I was able to hold him my hand & tell him I loved him.
A Worthy Sacrifice
My health started to change from labor into something more serious. We left for the ER and the pain increased into a full-labor, with dizziness and nausea all rolled in.
I am in awe at times for the basic lack of dignity the unborn receive. I understand that in the medical field it may be easier on them to call the babe a fetus but to mourning parents who are holding their babe in their hands, please call the child a baby. Mike & I corrected many of the nurses & even an ER doctor when they were speaking of the procedure.
My health declined quickly and I felt worse than when I was laboring before, but was it worth it? Was it worth the short period I got to spend holding this angelic babe in my womb and hands? Was the horrible experience post-delivery worth the sacrifice of having him at home and holding him? YES!
This is a life, no matter how short. A life that touched many others’ lives in his short existence. He is a Sobeski, a strong force to be reckoned with, for he will storm the heavens for the Sobeski clan here on earth.
His name is perfect, Benedict! He has blessed!