By Guest Blogger Claire Grace
Lord, I want to be healed…! Or do I???
I can remember the exact night I told this to my Lord. Lord just heal me of this pain, whatever it takes, even if it hurts I need to be healed. Boy did this open up the floodgates and once and awhile I wish I had never asked for this request.
What did I need to be healed of exactly? Well, the long and the short of it, being afraid of others and what they would think about me: I wanted to be somebody. Of course, no one wants others to think badly about them, but I took this to another level by itself. I stressed constantly. I wanted it all, the stay at home mom status, the SUV, the country club, vacations at the lake. These were things I was accustomed to while growing up and expected for my own adult life. I was chained to these images and chained to the status they would bring me.
I married to the best man in the world; strong faith, handsome, smart, and oh so good to me. Early in our marriage he had gotten a Masters in Business. I had no doubt in my mind that he would work his way up the corporate ladder and provide all of the things that I wanted and, that he wanted. Naturally I knew this took time. Starting out struggling is “cute”. We had a darling little house, decorated with my exquisite taste with things given to me from my parents, treasures found at thrift stores and beautiful discounted fabrics. Our daughters were dressed to the nines. Always matching, monogrammed, and topped off with a bow in their hair.
I was happy, but constantly in some depression as to why we hadn’t made it big yet. My husband’s job was going well, I was at home with the girls, working little side gigs here and there to make ends meet. I compared myself to other women I knew. Why did they get the great cars, vacations and big houses? I was completely and totally getting ripped off. I was mired in this misery. That is when I asked the Lord to heal me. Heal me of caring about what others think, heal me of wanting this status.
Fast forward two years and another baby later and my husband was offered an opportunity in to a partnership that promised to make us wealthy. This was a legit company and promised to us by a member of our own Parish. Fast forward another two years, we were broke, he was unemployed and we had been robbed my a member of our own Parish family. It was the toughest time of my life. I cried all of the time and was in complete depression and despair. The economy was a mess. But something inside me was changing, slowly and steadily. The Rosary was now a must, weekly and sometimes daily adoration was necessary for my survival. And the other thing that came about, I started to see with absolute clarity who I wanted to be friends with and started to care less and less about those who did not care about me. I could tell by their behavior towards our situation. The sheep were separated from the goats and I was finally feeling free. The suffering I was going through was strengthening me and healing my wounds.
Be Still and Know
I was still constantly asking the Lord to bring us riches, a new job for my husband that would give me what I wanted. I was still completely frustrated as this was not happening at the pace I wanted. I expressed my frustration to a good friend and spiritual advisor, “WHY IS MY LORD NOT HEARING ME?” He toughly and abruptly told me to “stop asking and to just be silent!” So a few days later I went for my usual adoration hour. I called on the saints to be with me and reluctantly I stayed silent. As I sat in silence I became entranced, the room was still, I could hear nothing. All of a sudden I started to feel drops of Christ’s blood dripping on to my head, one by one. It felt so real the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I got chills as I felt the blood drop in to the spot in the top if your head that is sensitive to touch. I was being healed by the blood of Christ.
My husband did get a job with a great company that is high in moral and ethical standards. His salary is not what we want but it makes ends meet. I obtained a dream part time job doing something I would never have dreamed of doing that has enhanced my faith and family life. I have never felt freer or happier. Thank you Jesus for healing my wounds with Your precious blood. And now, my constant prayer, “Lord let us have peace, confidence and trust in you.” Baby #4 is due in October.